Before I even really get into this, there are a few things you need to know about me. Number 1: I’m an awkward person. I don’t know why, I just am. Number 2: I love quotes. Anyone who was at my 8th grade graduation knows that my speech was basically a really long quote that probably belonged on Instagram or something. This doesn’t have quite as many quotes in it. Number 3 is a little bit harder: I have an anxiety disorder. I’m not going to get into that two much because this isn’t about the past year and how it affected me, its about now and how I forgave myself. I’m going to give you a little background because I think it might help you understand be able to take more from this talk.
I started having anxiety when I was a sophomore. I didn’t know why but I was absolutely terrified. I don’t like crying in front of people so I held it all in and didn’t let anyone know for a few months, not even my own mother. Which I really should have done because I could’ve avoided so much pain. I should’ve trusted her. My grandmother died the following January. That was a really hard hit and considering how emotionally unstable I was at that point, it didn’t help my anxiety at all. I went to go see a therapist for about a year. Through that year of therapy sessions, we discovered that I had panic attacks caused by confrontation. I felt like whenever I had anxiety other people were annoyed. I felt like it was my fault when others were annoyed. But it wasn’t. I needed to learn that if their name isn’t God, their opinion doesn’t matter and their approval isn’t needed. So, even though I’m having a little panic attack inside, I will not be ashamed of my story, because chances are, it may inspire some of you.
Now, this is about forgiveness. Something I think about is how people often associate forgiveness with a disagreement you had with a friend or a member of your family. For me, forgiveness meant forgiving myself. A few months ago, I was beating myself up for keeping my anxiety such a secret, unable to forgive myself. Then I realized that in the big picture of life, no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future. But it’s hard to forgive yourself and move on when you feel like it’s your fault and you don’t deserve it.
My dog is a good example of what to do (what I should have done.) So, background, my dog is a little 10-pound Yorkshire Terrier who acts like he is a Great Dane. His ears are huge and at first glance, he is sooo cute. Then he jumps at you and barks at you and demands that you give him treats to calm down. Papi is very protective of his property. Essentially this dog thinks he owns the world and everything on it. A few nights ago, I was letting him out to do business before going to sleep. Normally, at this time of night, he is sleepy and he waddles his way out and then, when he is finished, he waddles his way back in. This time, he bolted to the darkest corner of the yard and started barking. I was running out, in the freezing cold, to get him inside when I saw that he cornered to possum, a mom and her baby, in the corner. When I tell people about this, they think “What is a possum going to do to your dog? They just play dead.” That’s not true for an animal their own size. He could’ve gotten into a fight with this mother possum. My point is, he doesn’t think about these things. He just does them. Now I understand that he is a dog and, for him, it’s just instinct. But here’s a question: why isn’t it instinct for us to understand and forgive ourselves? Why don’t we just jump in and forgive ourselves without thinking about it? Why do we think we don’t deserve that?
Without forgiving myself, there is no way I could ever have accepted that anxiety is going to be a part of my life forever. I am never going to get rid of it.
But through forgiveness I have accepted and learned many things. I learned that looking forward to simple moments and realistically thinking about actions and consequences eliminates a major part of my anxiety. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel any anxiety at all anymore because I certainly do. I have so much anxiety about college. But I’m working on it, it’s a work in progress.
Right now, I’m at a point in my life where peace is my priority and negativity cannot exist. I have to make a conscious effort to always remember that for every inch of sadness lies a foot of happiness ahead. I remember that crazy chances (even though they often make me anxious) guide us to unexpected discoveries and that tough times unveil the true sincerity of your closest friends. I’ve learned that you have to hold on to your smile every day and free yourself of your sadness. Even though so few people saw it, rock bottom became the sold foundation on which I rebuilt my life. So, no matter who you are, or what you are going through, let’s come together, root for each-other, and watch each-other grow.
Two Dorks With a Blog 