Instead of writing a post about my New Year’s Resolution like I did last year, I’m going to asses my last year.
Last year I powered through a panic attack without my mom. If you have read anything or came from the old blog you will know that my mom is an anchor for me while I’m having panic attacks. I’m leaving for college in about a year and a half, so I have to stop relying on her all the time and learn how to cope by myself. That terrifies me. What made me proud of this moment was that she was in the same building as I was, but I didn’t go to her.
In January, I went on the March for Life with Mother of Divine Grace (my online school, MODG) The night before the March, I went to the dance MODG puts together for the high schoolers. I got an amazing dress, and had a sleepover with 4 friends. We all got ready together and drove to the dance. It was one of the best nights of my life.
If I could travel back in time to New Year’s Eve 2016 and give myself some advice, I would tell myself that it is going to be a hard year. Be prepared for pain but know that growth is going to come of it. On New Year’s Eve, my grandma died. She was French, so we called her Memére. She had cancer but it was so sudden. We knew that she was having trouble breathing, they were constantly draining her lungs, so we knew it wasn’t far off, but when I found out, it felt like elephants were sitting on me. I could barely talk and, even worse, I couldn’t sing. Music always relieves me while I’m grieving, but I couldn’t sin or play piano. Even listening to music was hard. I didn’t know what to do, so I just lived with the grief for a while. It was hard but it went away eventually. Whenever I think about her death for a long period of time, the weight comes back, in fact, I’m feeling it now. January was the hardest month for me, but I have learned from it and moved on.
I decided that I was not going to try and please others anymore. Only myself. By pleasing others, I mean trying to keep others happy at the cost of my mental health. I just started by refusing to move out of someone’s way until they asked me to move. It sounds ridiculous but it started me on this path of putting myself first (in the good, healthy way) I still loving helping people, but I will not do it if my mind or health is put at risk because of it.
I learned two important things this year. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the ability to create happy experiences. I spent a lot of money on things that won’t benefit me in the long run. Basically, impulse buying all the time. In 2018, I am going to make a conscious effort to save money and only spend it if I need to. Wait for love; even if you don’t get it, the patience you will receive is amazing. This past year I read a book called ‘How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul.’ I learned so many things from this book including what I said above about waiting for love. What I didn’t learn from the book but already new just anchored me into my ways. I feel strong in my standards for dating and boys/men.
In November, I visited Benedictine College. I was so uncomfortable. There was a girl who was walking us to visit the Chair of the Mass Communications major I’m interested in. Mom mentioned to her that we were going to miss the dorm tour so she took us to visit her dorm. She took us into her room, gave us a tour and even opened her closet to me. (They were actually two wall walk-in closets!!) The fact that she was so willing to do this for me just made me feel so good. I was a total stranger, but she did this and I felt completely at ease. She was so kind.
Collette Butler influenced me a lot this year. You probably all know about the Shaytards scandal. I was horrified to find that a man I have looked to as a second father would ever do such a thing to his wife and family. I admire Collette so much for her un-wavering strength and fidelity.
My most important goals for the upcoming year are to save money, eat healthy, and dive even further into strengthening my mental health. This is my last full year at home before going to college and I intend to take full advantage of my parent’s experience. I plan on saving up for a flight to travel by myself and conquer a little bit of my anxiety about being by myself.
Three words that best describe 2017 for me are pain, learning, and growth. As I consider the rest of my life, 100% of what I have learned this year will be useful to me forever